Introduction to My Healing Journey

Almost one year ago I embarked on a journey to healing and self-compassion. I was three weeks postpartum and in the middle of baby blues that was transforming every minute into postpartum depression. I was experiencing excessive crying, unmarked highs of anxiety, insomnia and a desire to be alone. Then the guilt crept in: seemingly screaming “how could you be so ungrateful!”. 

Five years earlier I experienced a preterm delivery of twin boys at six months pregnant. Unfortunately, I only got to spend about an hour with them before I had to hand them over to the nurses forever. So, I promised myself and God that if he were ever to bless me with a healthy child I would honor them and be forever grateful! As such, I felt selfish and ungrateful when my emotions didn't align with my ideal postpartum experience.  This was a perfect recipe for my inner-critic to wreak havoc on my self-worth, esteem and my ability to find pleasure in the things that I love. 

I was overwhelmed. Just two months before my delivery my husband and I purchased a home in a brand new city and I was promoted at work. Furthermore, I had a two-year old, a 3 week old, as well as my niece and nephew depending on me for care. And, to top it all off I was in the last term of my second masters program. WHEW!  All of my responsibilities were piling to a weight that was too heavy for me to carry. It seemed as if all of my joy was sucked out of me for good. 

(Video: learn how I overcame Baby Blues and Postpartum Depression.)

With each ticking minute I felt worse. One day in the middle of a crying fit I frantically called my healthcare provider. They were able to secure an appointment for me with a therapist. When I got into the room some 3 days later I literally fell apart after she said "Hi Brandi, its nice to meet you! Tell me a little about yourself". I was a MESS! I literally talked, cried and blew my nose for an entire hour. I left little room for the therapist to say anything- she didn’t seem to mind. 

As the weeks went on we set up a treatment plan that included talk therapy, journaling, and Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR). On this journey, I slowly dug out all of my traumas and identified the negative things I had come to believe about myself. We tackled them one memory and thought at a time. Most importantly,I built a tool kit that allowed me to thrive through my anxiety and stressful situations. I am still on this journey to healing. Some weeks it's easier than others but it's all so worth it.