Why I Feel Disconnected from International Bereaved Mother's Day and Tips to Support Grieving Mothers

Sadness, shame, guilt, and feelings of being an “other” in motherhood often dominate me on International Bereaved Mother’s Day (IBMD). Now, do not get me wrong the mission of the day is one that is needed. In case you are not familiar, the purpose of IBMD is to honor mothers who experienced pregnancy loss, infant loss, or child loss. In our society, mothers who have endured this kind of tragedy are often forgotten or simply ignored because our grief brings on too much discomfort for others to handle. It is a day that bereaved mothers can take up space and remember their children who are no longer here on earth. But, this designated day can also be full of triggers and lacks the celebration component that mothers who have not experienced loss get to experience on Mother’s Day. 

My first two pregnancies changed the course of my life forever. In 2014, I experienced traumatic labor and delivery that resulted in the loss of my twin baby boys at 23 weeks gestation. Just a short 10 months later, I experienced an ectopic pregnancy. One of the most physically painful experiences of my life. I was left with an empty womb, broken heart, and a life less three babies. I grieved deeply for years. My loss with the twins was very public but I decided to grieve my second pregnancy loss in silence. I was more unsure about myself than I had ever been. Wondering: why me, God? And thoughts that I would never have the opportunity to mother children on Earth dominated my fears. Being a Mother to Angel’s is difficult. No one will ever know them as well as you do, very few will ever call to honor their birthdays, or engage you in the conversations regarding pregnancy or acknowledge their importance in your life. 

This motherhood felt too hard to cope with at times. As every May approached I would dread Bereaved Mother’s Day because I didn’t need another day that amplified the presence of my loss. A day that reminded me of my grieving, a day that made people distance themselves from me because they didn't have access to the non-existent script that would help them navigate a conversation with me. So, no, IBMD never resonated with me. In fact, eventually, I ignored it altogether. On this day, I just wanted to hide from the inauthentic “I’m sorry’s”, sincere but dismissive “girl you’ll have another baby” that turned to "girl you have two beautiful girls", and the myriad of “well at least” statements that never made any sense. To be honest these statements bothered me the most. People would say “well at least you’re engaged” or “at least you're getting a masters degree” and the list goes on. There is no “well at least”! My babies died and I almost did too.

I longed for the day that someone would look at me and say “Happy Mother’s Day” without the look of pity or fear that I would engage them in the talk about my babies. I should acknowledge that there were a few Brave Souls that gave me this honor in 2015 and 2016-- and I am immensely thankful for the validation that they offered me during those very tough years. So as I write this post just days before Mother’s Day I want all the grieving mothers, especially those without their rainbows, to know that they too deserve celebration on Mother’s Day (as long as it feels right to you). Your motherhood is VALID. And, if you decide to stay clear of both Mother’s Day and International Bereaved Mother's Day, you are valid in that decision as well. 

As I reflect, I think a lot of my disconnectedness to IBMD was my false expectations about what the day would be for me. I envisioned a day where people in my life would ban together and finally have an “ah-ha” moment regarding the impact of my loss. A day where the awkwardness in our communication would disappear and they would have uncovered the right formula to talk to and engage me in a normal way. But, this day never came to fruition. To be fair, it's difficult to address pregnancy, infant and child loss--even if you have experienced it first hand. So through a lens of compassion and hope, I will end this post with a few recommendations/suggestions for anyone who wants to be a supporter of a Mother who grieves. 

1. Be present: When you are with a grieving mother come with an open heart and open ears. Be authentic and comforting. Your presence and positive aura can do a lot to lift her spirits. Try to avoid giving advice and forcing her to be better. Grief is a process and it’s not linear. 

2. Listen: let me take the pressure off of you-- there are no perfect words to say. With that being said, no pun intended, listening goes a long way. Sometimes your presence and listening ear can be very healing. If you are a trusted individual in her life she will want to open up to you about her experience. Encourage this release and do not try to come up with the perfect thing to say to fill the silence. Silence is powerful! It can offer her an opportunity to collect her thoughts, come to understandings about her experience, or act as a natural conclusion to her conversation. Let her lead the way and be there to support her. Finally, be prepared to hear the story more than once-- it's a part of her process. 

3. Avoid these phrases:

• You’ll get over it

• Any sentence starting with “well, at least” is a bad idea.

• “I can't imagine...” phrases can make the mother feel unimaginable. 

• It was just a miscarriage/ at least you didn't know the baby. 

• God wouldn't put anything on you that you couldn't handle.

• everything happens for a reason. 

    4.    Instead, try these phrases: 

• I am sorry for your loss, I don't have the perfect words but I am here for you. 

• If you ever need to talk I am just a phone call away (and mean it).

• My sincerest condolences. 

• Be kind/gentle to yourself during this time (this can be a timely reminder)

• Take your time, I will be here to support you as best I can along the way. 

    5.   Don’t deflect: when a mother opens up to you don’t change the subject. It may have taken a lot of courage to discuss her loss.

6. Don’t intentionally leave her out of group conversations about pregnancy with a close group of friends. This can further make her feel isolated from motherhood. But, don’t call her out. Just address it in a way that she feels comfortable sharing if she desires to join the conversation. 

7. Make yourself familiar with the stages of grief: This can help you better understand what she is experiencing. Ultimately, this will assist with your support efforts. The grieving process is not linear. She may move between various stages several times before she enters a new stage. Be patient and consistent as she heals.